It's just not fair. I can't help but be angry, frustrated, and even sick over this. Every time I share a moment with my own baby, (which is often, because let's face it he's clingy) I feel guilty (and then I pull him closer and thank God, and then grumble to Him a little.) I can't help but think MckMama should be able to do this too. I have been begging, pleading, and then asking God nicely to calm Stellan's heart, to heal him, to make him strong and resilient. Then I tried to rationalize with him. You see it was because of Stellan that I "came back home" so to speak, at least he was the final step that brought the idea from theological philosophy to practice, He got me praying... and not just for silly little things for my self, but fervently and for him. I have been speaking with God on a daily basis... "now why God, would you take that away," I reasoned. So, by the end of my long night my prayer became for God to please give Stellan, the opportunity to be as great a Man as he was an infant. The chance to bring so many others to God, and do amazing things. That's all I've got. So please pray for sweet Stellan, things have really taken the turn for the worse - but I'm not buying it. Like I said I'm angry, new, and raw... so I can't just find some eloquent way to say God will take care of it and mean it. I'm kind of screaming at him to, and I have a problem accepting the answer "No."